Will Hayden Christensen ever make a decent film? The answer is no.

As I sat down to watch Jumper tonight, I thought to myself that it sounded like a good premise: People with amazing teleportation ability akin to Nightcrawler of the X-Men, and Samuel L. Jackson as a bad-ass mother fucker hunting them down to kill them—yea, of course I’d pay money to see that. This review will contain spoilers because you really don’t want to pay money to see this, do you?

First of all, I cannot believe one of the writers who brought us Batman Begins, Blade, and Dark City was apart of this. The director whose credits include Mr. and Mrs. Smith and Swingers is equally talented, but this film seemed rushed and kinda stupid. I don’t know who to blame!

The story begins with a teenager by the name of David Rice who unexpected experiences his first jump. This tiny exposition plays an insignificant part to the story, but doesn’t hurt the pacing too much. A boy has an amazing power and runs away to New York City and robs banks. Flash forward many years later and he’s living the good life. He doesn’t even have to shift his body and reach for the remote control as he lays down like a sloth; he merely “jumps” over a few feet to retrieve the remote in his hands. As he watches television and learns of natural disasters trapping helpless victims, he walks—excuses me—jumps into his closet and pulls some cash and an umbrella. The next scene is our hero picking up a woman in London. He doesn’t even use his power for good. He’s a moron that squanders his means and ability.

The story does go back to his home town of Ann Arbor, Michigan. Apparently, this is where his true love is. He whisks her away to her number one “always wanted to go to” destination: Rome. They don’t jump, they fly. Why, you ask? Well, a bit earlier, Samuel L. Jackon’s character, a Paladin by the name of Roland, discovers our young Jumper. Apparently, Paladins kill Jumpers. It’s been going on since the Middle Ages (and that’s literally a line from the movie). Rice is forced to lay low since he got his ass kicked by Roland. Unknown to his childhood sweetheart, Millie, played by Rachel Bilson, Rice just brought a world of danger to her doorstep.

The characters are unrefined and sloppy. As David Rice comes to find Millie 8 years later, they immediately jump on a plane to Rome and David gets laid. I’m sure that’s the fantasy of every teenager in America; to steal money, go back and get the girl and take her away to a special place then get laid.

The plot takes a twist when we find out David Rice’s mother is a Paladin. Obviously the Paladins find David and Millie and trap them in Rome. Needless to say all hell breaks loose as David befriends another Jumper and have a short-run alliance to stop the melodious Roland from killing his girl. Oh, did I mention they have a lair?

The movie loses me at some point after the couple go to Rome and meet the second Jumper. The writer was probably high and really didn’t care about plot holes or resolution because by the end of the movie, David alienates his super-friend and leaves him to die, Millie is back with the guy who almost got her killed (twice). They then go to visit his mother, a Paladin, the sworn enemy of Jumpers, who tells her son he has a head start before she goes to kill him.

Really, all I want is my $9.50 back. With all the plot holes and indescrepencies, you’d think they were going for a sequel that probably will never get made. To make matters worse, it was only a mere 90 minutes. With another 20-30 minutes, they could have made it a real hit, complete with resolution and a sort-of open ended story that may have been resolved with a second movie. But they didn’t do that. Instead they gave us crap. Don’t see it. You’ll save some money for condoms, and you can go to a bar and pay $5.00 for a drink and give it to some pretty girl. Even if you don’t get laid, you’ll still have piece of mind that you didn’t go see Jumper.